ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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