Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
