I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
