My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
