I'm so fucking centered right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
