There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
