I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
