it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
