I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
