Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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