if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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