My sheets look like a crime scene.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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