3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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