I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
