apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
