At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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