im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
