Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
