I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
