Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Sober January is a disaster.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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