You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
