I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
