I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
