Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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