I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I didn't notice because vodka
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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