Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
