remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
