His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
