I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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