I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
