I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
