I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
