dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
