Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
