Im at strip club and am horny
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
