It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
