Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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