I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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