What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm really busy with my period
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