I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
