So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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