Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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