we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize