I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize