You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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