sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
