Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize