Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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