why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
