So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
