I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
