I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
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