I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
