i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
