I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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