The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
