Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize