So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
