I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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